This is a post that I have wanted to do for a while. Every time I start I get overwhelmed and anxious because I don’t know where to start or what to even say. Or I started while I was doing something else and never finished or forgot what I was going to write. My mental health journey has been a really tough post for me to write because there is so much to unpack for me. I know this might be a trigger for some people to talk about this so be careful reading forward. This is about me and my perspective on things.
In the Past
Typically I am the “I’m fine. Everything is Great” type of person. I would consider myself outgoing in certain settings, but I often don’t disclose a whole lot about myself. I have always been really guarded with my feelings and emotions for a variety of different reasons. Not very many people know that I have struggled consistently with self-talk and my mental health. There are so many different reasons I have talked about my mental health before or even acknowledged it but I am ready to change.
I have always been a very high-strung individual with all my organization and planning. I don’t remember a time when I was a go-with-the-flow type of gal or didn’t have some sort of structure for myself. Just like everyone, I just wanted to belong but most of the time I felt like I never fit in.
Coming Clean
I don’t regret posting about my mental health or what’s going on with me because I feel like others can relate. I have always known that I am not alone and other people go through things but in the moment it’s hard to feel that way. Also by sharing I have actually found terms for what I am feeling. I was posting about something on Instagram, and one of my friends mentioned that I might be a Highly Sensitive Person. I have never heard that phrase before and she recommended a book about HSPs. Obviously, I immediately read it and never felt more understood in my life.
I am also glad that I have shared my experiences with mental health because I don’t think it’s talked about enough. Personally, I think people think others want to see all the good stuff on social media, and no one wants to see the struggle. Or if we post about the struggle it makes us appear weak or like we are wanting petty. I don’t think that way at all. Personally I want to see the struggles in people because it makes us all human. I want to see more of the person online and in my community. Showing more of how I am feeling on social media has been better than I ever thought because others have opened up to me that they relate to or are going through the same thing. Posting on social media has its ups and downs but I am so glad that I have a community of people from all over that get me.
Highly Sensitive Person
I have ALWAYS been super sensitive- heart on my sleeve kind-of gal. I cry very easily and sometimes it’s hard to know why exactly I am crying. One of my friends said I might be a highly sensitive person. (HSP) I had never heard of this before. I read the book she recommended and it nailed everything about me and how I feel. I have never felt more understood than I did from reading this book.
Techniques that I learned from my life coach and nutrition certification have also been helpful. I learned to address why I was feeling this way by getting to the root of the problem. Not just masking my emotions or fixing the problem. I wanted to learn to fix the behavior and not cry so quickly. There are times that it is ok to cry and I don’t want to lose that but I don’t want or like being as emotional.
From the book Highly Sensitive Person, I learned that I am an empath as well. This isn’t the first time I heard this word. I always felt this way but didn’t know the exact word or it doesn’t resonate with me. When I enter a room or an environment, I pick up on all the feelings and emotions. Sometimes I adapt those feelings as my own and I don’t even realize it.
Right Now
If you follow me on social media, I have said that I am in a season of healing. I am working on myself because I am not happy with who I am. It has nothing to do with other people. I feel like I have been masking things for too long, and some things need to be fixed at the root. For a long time, I was trying to fix the habits and behaviors but not what the real problem is. Then I was getting frustrated because “nothing was working.”
I have been reading a lot of self-development books on trying to fix and heal. From talking with my doctor and therapist, I was trying to do everything by myself and all at once which led me to have one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had. It literally was hurting my bones. I couldn’t move without being in pain. Everything was a trigger and all I wanted to do was cry and sleep. One of my triggers with my anxiety and depression is I want to sleep 10+ hours.
I am so thankful that I found an amazing doctor in Peoria because she has helped me with so much. She listens to what I am saying even when I think it sounds crazy. I have also started seeing a therapist and we are working through things as well. We have only had a few sessions but I am already noticing a difference. I love to hear her perspective and take on things because she can see things from a different standpoint.
The Future
In the future, I want a person who can say what she wants and not be afraid people are going to be mad at her. I want to have better boundaries with social media and computer time. I want to live the life that I have always wanted to live. Whatever that might look like.
I would like to be able to not overthink everything. I have a friend that I tell all the time. They are the best person I know because they know who they are and what they want. They say what they mean and you know where you stand with them. I don’t always like it because I am a feely type of person, but they make me think and challenge myself. I really appreciate that.
