I started these 4 on Friday because I wanted to share 4 things about myself that I don’t think many people know about me. I feel for the most part I am pretty open on social media. I like the friends that I have met from blogging and social media. For the most part there has been more good than bad that has come from blogging and sharing my life.
When I sit down to write this months 4 on Friday, I am in a weird emotional place. I don’t know how to explain it but I’m in my feelings about a bunch of different topics. And the bad part is I don’t really want to talk about it, but I know if I talk about it I will feel better. I also don’t know who I want to talk to it about. This month I don’t know where to start on the 4 things about me.
Making Myself A Priority
I have started and deleted this paragraph more times than I can count. This season in my life I’m making myself more a priority. I want to do things that make me happy. For a long time, I have put others ahead of myself and at times that is ok, but not at the expense of my mental well being. Along with making myself a priority is finding myself again.
Finding Myself Again
One of my many flaws is I want the approval of others. I want people to like me, and when they don’t I feel horrible. I KNOW not everyone will like me but I have always wanted to at least try. In that process I became the identity of what others wanted and buried my true self.
I recently got a kayak, and when it was purchased I wanted to lift and carry it by myself. I didn’t want to the help of the others because I knew out on the water I would be myself. One weekend I went kayaking by myself. I loaded the kayak into and out of the truck, in and out of the water. I was so impressed with myself because I really didn’t think I could do it. I posted it up on Facebook, and one of my friends from high school commented, “You have always been fiercely independent.” This comment BROKE ME! Because I don’t feel like I have been fiercely independent. I feel like I have lost that which lead to me questioning everything else.
Setting Boundaries
Over these past few months I have been working on developing boundaries. I am usually not a person to set boundaries with people. In the past, I wasn’t really good at enforcing those boundaries. It’s something that I am working on, and I think I am making improvements. Boundaries have been hard to implement and enforce because I have had to set them with family. Writing this doesn’t make me feel any better about it.
Stop Caring
I wish I didn’t care. There are so many things I wish I could ignore, but I can’t. I am not made that way. I think I will always care about things. This is going to be a really vague example, I have created boundaries with some people. Recently things have gotten worst with one of them. Overall I have no real emotion about it. But I feel like things that I have thought and felt over the years are actually true. I hate that they are actually true. I wanted to feel like I was overreacting or misreading the situation. But it’s all true and that sucks. I wish I didn’t care because I set the boundaries for them not to be my life.
Finale
Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It has always been a way for me to get everything out of my head or get out with being interrupted. Writing is way for me to sometimes take a step back and see the whole situation, and not just my side of the problem. I don’t know what this next season of my life holds, but I know that I want to be different. I want my life to be different. I don’t know to what extend, but I can’t keep living the ways things are currently.
